As I sat in meditation trying to focus on my breathing, repeating one two one two silently in cadence to each inhale and exhale, a question pushed through all the other intrusive thoughts I had and made it to the front of my mind. Should I take a break or move on from this newsletter entirely?

I wasn’t expecting the question. Although I’m not entirely surprised.

Lately I’ve found myself in this state of craving, this gently gnawing within me seeking to simplify my life and it’s left me wondering, where does this newsletter fit in with that desire, or does it not fit in at all?

In between the brainstorming, the writing, the editing, the revisions, and the publishing, there is a life outside of this space and no, it’s not as fun. It’s filled with noise and emails and chores and responsibilities and schedules (hello adulting), and it takes my mind, attention, and energy away from where I truly want to be which is here.

There is a balance that I haven’t been able to strike because my mind is constantly elsewhere and everywhere.

But there also lies a bubbling underneath that is filled with self-doubt and a self-criticism that I can’t seem to shake and I wonder if I ever will.

Most of the time I try to ignore the negative self-talk but there are scars leftover from my younger years and they’re harder to forget. I’m working on that but it hasn’t been easy and most of the time I find myself playing it safe because I don’t feel comfortable or too scared to push myself harder outside the invisible boxes I’ve placed myself in.

Right now, the thought of taking a break or leaving this newsletter behind is just that, a thought. Maybe I need to just tweak some things. Maybe I just need a rest. Maybe I just need to figure some things out. Maybe I just need to…I don’t know.

Sometimes when I walk past someone in the hallway I say, don’t forget to send that email.

Pardon me, what was that?

Oh. No, not you. That’s for me. I’m just thinking out loud.

And then we laugh.

That’s all this is.

But if I do walk away, what does that mean? What does that say about me? Did I give up too easily?

I don’t see it as giving up. If this were me 10 years ago or even 5 years ago, I might believe that. It’s merely a reevaluation of doing something I’ve wanted to do. It’s a trying when I wouldn’t have tried sooner. For that I’m proud of myself. We can’t fault ourselves for trying because trying isn’t failing. Failing is if I never tried at all.

For now, I don’t know what tomorrow or the next day will bring exactly for this space. This could be a short break, or it could very well be time for me to say goodbye and leave this nest behind. My intuition is telling me the latter.